Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
