I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
