Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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