i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
