Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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