my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
