She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
