I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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