i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
