yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
