Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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