yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
