he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
