the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
