i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
