I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
