ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
