Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
