The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
