If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
