how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
