So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
