I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
