I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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