I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
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I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
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Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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