I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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