Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
