Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
