my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
