john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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