I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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