I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
