WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
