May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
