Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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