well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Alive.
So much puke
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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