god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit