I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Text me some of your sweat
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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