I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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