We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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