He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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