Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
