so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
