Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
