everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
