please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
