I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
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I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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