I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
