he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
