walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
