You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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