my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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