my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
