i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
