im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
