He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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