I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
