i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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